She is stubborn never listens to me. SHE IS REBELLIOUS.” This is what you said Ma, yesterday while you were complaining to Pa about me. I searched for the word “rebellious”, well my oxford dictionary said that rebellious means one showing defiance, resistance, protest. Ma, am I really rebellious? Keeping quit for last six years, as you told me to. Like you said, “good girls” do?
Ma I was just 12 then, my world was full of wildness, crazy things most important it was secure, free of fear.
I was downstairs in the kitchen, to fetch an apple while you guys were on the terrace, suddenly I felt a hand around my shoulder, it was he. I replied with a sweet smile but the touch was not sweet. I thought we’re going to play another game together, but where were others? I was alone. Then he groped me, Ma it didn’t felt nice, it wasn’t a good touch. I tried hard to get away but it seemed impossible to get out of his grip. Ma I was scared. I didn’t realized what’s going on. His filthy mouth around my neck, his hands around my shoulder Ma it was hurting a lot. I wanted to yell, but he had put his hand around my mouth, Ma those 5 minutes were the worst 5 minutes of my life, I wanted to hit him hard, but couldn’t. I wanted you to save me. Then finally, somebody called out my name, his grip loosened, but his hand was still on my mouth. He whispered “don’t you dare tell anyone or else I’ll kill you.”
Ma I didn’t showed up for dinner, because I was crying in the bathroom. Whenever I saw myself in the mirror, those bite marks around my neck….Ma, I can’t tell you how it felt, something inside me was broken, my soul was torn apart. I didn’t slept the whole night, I went on crying, I wanted to shout Ma, but, it was as if all those shouts were frozen inside my throat. Ma I couldn’t understand what was going on, you said the world outside was dangerous but you never told me about this dark world inside. For next three days Ma it was like the sun wasn’t rising, a perpetual night, so dark, so scary, so suffocating. Ma, I swear I felt I would die. You were my only hope, my mother, my savior.
I told you and you hugged me and told me that you love me and everything will be fine. You’ll fight for me, you are there for me. And you made everything good, like it was before…. I woke up it was a dream.
I told you Ma, I told you everything. I was in tears. I saw you were in shock, a strange panic on your face, you suddenly sat down and it was all silent. Then you came to me, held me by my shoulders and you said, “Kisi se kucch mat kehna”( don’t tell anyone). You said you’ll see and that I should be a good girl and forget everything, I should stop crying, I shouldn’t shout, this is not how good girls behave. Forget everything, everything what your pervert cousin did? It felt like somebody stabbed my heart. Ma, why?
It was like something inside me has died. It was that very moment when we both lost something. I lost my innocence and you lost me. But still Ma I relied on you. I thought that may be keeping quit will lessen the pain inside. I kept quit.
Life went on, I grew up. But swear Ma I didn’t told anyone not even my teddy bojo. I used to cry every night for you being a good mum and me being a good girl. I thought the pain would lessen. I used to forget it, but whenever I saw him around the old pain would come back. When I saw you meeting him in such a friendly manner, the pain would deepen. When I would be forced to greet him, Ma I died inside.
Six years ma, has something changed? The pain is still same. I hadn’t told anyone. Am I good girl, no? Then, why is this happening to me? I never dared to ask. I am 18, but even today I wake up suddenly in nights and cry, I cry a lot, Ma. Not about what he did, but what you did. Ma I am scared of darkness. Even today when someone touches me, I shiver. Those bite marks are gone now, but those scars on my soul, they are still there. Ma I kept quit, but It’s killing me. Even today we meet him like family, like nothing ever happened.
You’re my mother, I love you and I respect you. You’re my mother, only that’s why I respect you. As a woman you lost that very respect, when you told your 12 years daughter, to be a good girl. It wasn’t that you’re miserable or helpless, you could help. But you didn’t because girls from good societies don’t do that! if I ask you about my suffering, then…
Other day aunty was saying, how nice it would have been if god has given you one more daughter like me, I wished deep inside thank god he didn’t. We are very much different, Ma that’s why we argue so much. But I believed in you, I kept quit.
Nothing has changed, you stopped me from telling truth, and you stopped me from crying. You told me to shut things inside. You told me to be a good girl.
I did, ma.
But still you think I am rebellious?
You’re the perfect woman, elegant, social, and loving, a good wife, a nice house maker. You’re a good mum. I am a good girl.
But I swear ma if I’ll ever have a baby I won’t be the good mum like you. I’ll be a bad mum. And I’ll never tell my daughter to be a good girl. Because if she’ll be a good girl like her me, then like her mum she’ll suffer in silence.